We Never Were Angels
by Bat-Hamlet
Summary: "There's two things I hate to see walk into my office. One's trouble. The other's women. It's amazing how often they're the same thing." A noir spin on the Star Wars universe, starring the unlikeliest of heroes.


We Never Were Angels

Regrets.

I reckon everyone in the galaxy has got some.

The people, the places, the causes. All gone. They belong to the past now. Best thing to do is stay in the present. Stay busy. And when you've seen the kind of things I've seen, you stay pretty busy.

Ask me how I got here in this cramped, run down, office that smells of dust and dead flies, and I'll tell you maybe my landlord just loves me. Maybe this is the corner pocket, where life shot me after banking me off a dozen planets. The truth is I got here same way as scum gets anywhere. I just drifted.

After the war, I dabbled in politics. Found religion. Lost it. After the next war, I still fancied myself one of the good guys. Broke up some slave rings, caught a few chem smugglers, helped squeeze organized crime from a few quadrants. I was a regular CGI bigshot until an ethics investigation of the chief brought down the whole Central Gungan Investigations. Then for a few years, I put my new found knowledge of smuggling to good use. Made a pretty credit doing it too. Before long my past caught up to me. It helps to know people in high places. That's what got me out of the slammer and behind this desk which sits just on this side of the law.

If someone needs help, they find the police. And if they need help, but without all the questions, they find find me. Binks. First name, Jar Jar. Most people just call me the Gungan.

I was counting the cracks in the ceiling when she walked in. Female, near as I could tell. She could be considered attractive, by humanoid standards. Three of the loveliest blue eyes spread across her face.

"You the Gungan?" she purred.

"That's what the sign says."

"You don't sound like a Gungan."

"Meesa lose accent. Good for business. Speaking of which, what's your story?"

"I need to get off planet."

I sighed. "What do I look like, a travel agent? Go to a port. Or go to a bar and make eyes at a spacer. I know you got the equipment for it."

From her glare I could tell that wasn't accustomed to taking that kind of sass. But she stuck around anyway. She must really need my help.

"The empire is watching all the ports. And those turfed-out spacers couldn't smuggle a flea off of Kshyyyk. I heard you're the best smuggler on the planet."

That got my feet of the desk, and my back up straight.

"On the planet, nothing! I was the best smuggler in this system!" I got a hold of myself, put my feet back on the desk, and took a scratch at my neck real casual-like. "Allegedly. Who you been talking to anyway?"

"Blort, down at the pawn shop."

Blort. Never could keep his no good proboscis shut.

"So where does that leave us," I said.

"I have to get off planet. As far as the Regulon system."

"Lady, for a job like that I'd need…"

"60,000 credits. 500 up front."

When someone offers you a year's pay for one job, you take notice. But I'm not the sort to rush into things. I'm no fool. Not anymore.

"That's a pretty sweet reward, but I bet it comes with some kind of risk. How's about you level with me?"

"No. The information, it is too sensitive."

"Then find yourself another sucker."

You can turn on the waterworks pretty fast when you got three eyes.

"Help me, Jar Jar Binks. You're my only hope."

"Clean your ears out, lady. Whatever baggage you got, I ain't hauling. Find the door, then find yourself another smuggler. In that order."

That's when she said something that made by shoulder hackles stand up.

"You will help me."

I about kicked the lamp off my desk as I jumped up, ran to the door, and slammed it shut. I turned around real slow, not bothering to hide the contempt on my face. This was something I had hoped never to feel again. There was a charge in the air. I could smell it sure as I could feel it on my skin. I chose my word carefully. It pays to be very deliberate around this type.

"Lady, you got yourself some kind of death wish working that kind of voodoo around me. The wrong person takes notice, and there could be a dozen imperial troopers here inside a minute. And I got half a mind to break your neck myself."

I thought that'd at least get a raised eyebrow or three out of her, but instead she shot me a smile. "But you know what I could do to you."

I stared at her and she sent it right back at me. I guess she had a point. So I took my seat.

"It's been a long time since anyone's tried the Jedi mind trick on me. Just when were you gonna get around to telling me?"

"I thought you'd be reluctant to help one of our order."

"You thought right."

As far as I was concerned, that was the end of the conversation. But I had a feeling she wasn't done talking. I know women. And I know Jedi.

"Please, know that I would not be here were it not of the utmost importance."

"Look, lady…"

"Call me Sidnee Maxoor."

"Alright, Sid. If you want even the smallest chance at me helping you, put all your cards on the table. Right now. "

I could see she was thinking it over real hard.

"Can I trust you?"

"In my experience, you can't trust anybody. But I'll keep my mouth shut."

"I'm with the rebellion."

"Rebellion?! You and what army? Even if you manage to scrape together a few Space Pods and a couple of blasters, you're not gonna last too long staring down a fleet of star destroyers."

"More planets are joining our cause every day. The empire cannot oppose the desire of all life to be free."

My first impulse was to laugh in her face, but then again I have seen stranger things.

"Well, if you've come to conscript me, you're gonna leave disappointed. I'm the only cause I fight for these days."

"If that's the case, you're going to want to be part of this fight." She leaned forward and locked her dusky blues onto mine. Two of them anyway. The third one was drilling a hole in my forehead. "Your life depends on it too." Now she had my attention.

"Keep talking."

"If I'm going to tell you any more, we're going to need a history lesson."

"Well, make it quick. I never had much patience for schooling."

Her visible disdain told me that she believed me.

"The Jedi and the Sith. Two side of the same coin, yes?"

"Yeah, yeah. Light side, dark side. Never seemed all that different to me."

"It can be argued. Both utilized the force to control, or in some cases, subjugate the universe. They might have killed and destroyed in order to accomplish this goal…"

"Might have?"

"But in the end, life continued. The war between Jedi and Sith stretches almost as far back as our records go. But before all that, do you know what there was?"

"No, but I got a crazy feeling you're about to tell me."

"Nothing."

I waited for the punchline.

"Nothing. It's what was there before life began, it's what fills most of the universe, and it's what they worship."

"They who?"

"The Syritic Order. You are familiar with their handiwork."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"The Clone Wars. Wouldn't have been much of a war without the clones."

"This…Syritic Order. They made the clones?"

"No. Cloning technology. They created it. But even that was only a by-product of their biggest invention. Their greatest and most terrible creation is something you've probably never heard of: midoclorians."

I cracked her a smile. I love being one up on a know-it-all. "Midoclorians. Sure. Those critters in your blood what crap out the force. That about right?"

"My. You ARE full of surprises."

"Jedi acquaintance of mine. Wouldn't shut up about them."

"They do not, as you put it, crap out the force. Until recently it was believed that their relation to the force and to force-wielders was symbiotic in nature. But the truth is they were created in order to destroy the galaxy."

I gave her the cock eye, but she sent it back my way three times as strong.

"When you say destroy the galaxy, you mean…"

"All life. Dead. All matter. Destroyed. All energy. Spent. Nothing left. Absolute nothing. The god of the Syritic order."

"But if these Syritics are dead too, then what's in it for them?"

"So great is their devotion."

"One problem. If these Syritics are so bad, why don't you Jedi and the Sith put aside your differences and go take them down?"

"The Sith have never been the type to cooperate. I need to get back to Regulon 12. With this." She reached into her satchel. My fingers casually found my blaster's trigger. Just in case.

She pulled out a data tape.

"Stealing this from the Imperial library was not a pastry promenade."

"What is it?"

"I'm hoping my associate can tell me. That's why I need to get to Regulon 12. As quickly as possible. So…are you in?"

The thought of working with Jedi again left a bad taste in my mouth. I had enough to worry about keeping track of my own problems. Ducking imperials wouldn't be much of a hassle. And who knows what sort of hardware these Syritics have. But I did need the money. Getting off this rock for a few days wouldn't be such a bad idea either. My bookie has taken to making house calls. And I've always wanted to see the Regulon system.

Before we left, I pried up the loose floorboard under my desk and grabbed a few things I keep down there. A not entirely legal auto-aim mod for my blaster. A small bag containing a few dried flowers from Naboo and some other mementos. A pack of deathsticks. Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit. And a lightsaber.

You better believe that one caught her attention.

"Where exactly did you get that?"

"Off a dead Jedi. It comes in handy."

"Do you know how to use it?"

"I can turn it on." I refrained from demonstrating.

"Lightsabers are very personal to each Jedi. They're almost sacred."

"Well, this thing has gotten me out of a pinch more than once, so it's kind of sacred to me too."

"Very well."

I grabbed a couple of coats and hats. It wouldn't hurt to keep a low profile on the way to the space port.

I had a bad feeling when we got to the port. It was too quiet. Normally the air would be full of roar as the ships pushed their way into and out of the atmosphere. But there was no traffic in the sky. Not even so much as a cloud. So we ducked into a cantina I frequented regularly. The Villainous Hive.

Aside from a pile of rocks behind the bar polishing glasses, the joint was empty.

"What gives, Griddely? Where're all the spacers?"

"Orders from up top," growled a gravelly voice. "Skies are on lock-down."

"What the hell for?"

"Must be an Imperial general from all the chatter. Bringing the new make of battle droid. Not sure what for. Can I get you a drink?"

"In a minute." I grabbed Sid's arm and hustled her into a corner booth.

"Any idea why some Imperial bigwig is coming down on us and bringing a squad of bots, too?"

"I have acted with the utmost discretion. But the idea that a Jedi could-"

I shushed her real fast, and almost gave her a clout on the head for good measure.

"That a PERSON such as myself could arrive here, do what I have done, and escape without detection is a ridiculous concept. You are a smuggler. I assumed that getting us off this world would prove no problem for you."

"Past an Imperial general and his flotilla? No problem. Want me to pick his pocket while I'm at it?"

"I'll leave that to your judgment."

"Simple theft would be handled by local authorities. So am I correct in assuming they're here because of you?"

"Perhaps. There was a brief…altercation at the Imperial library. One of the guards may have witnessed me utilizing the force."

"And you let him live?!"

"Of course. What else could I do?"

"Sid, your naivete would be charming if it doesn't get us killed."

"My training is primarily in the library sciences. I'm not a knight. I've…never…"

Shrinking Violet trailed off while rocking back and forth. She coyly glanced up at me.

"You've got to be kidding. Well, if you want to get out of this in two or fewer pieces, you'd better be ready to take a life if the need arises."

"Violence is not the Jedi way. That's what Master Ondwin taught me."

"Ondwin? I knew that guy. He had a necklace of ears."

"But I was taught that…"

"Look, it's this simple. Look where the Jedi way got the Jedi. If you want to survive, we do things my way."

I thought my tone was measured and reasonable, but she jerked back like I had just slapped her.

"Hopefully there wouldn't be any need for anyone to take anyone's life. Would you have any problem dismantling a battle droid?"

"I…I shall do as you deem best, Jar Jar."

"Call me Gungan. Griddely, have all the spacers spooked?"

"They took off as soon as word came in."

"When was that?"

"Less than an hour ago."

"An hour! Great! Come on, Sid! We gotta hustle!"

I grabbed her arm and we ran out the back, further into the port.

"What's wrong?"

"If they all left less than an hour ago, there was probably a run on fuel. If we go to the refilling depot, maybe I can buy us passage out of here."

"I thought the skies were on lock-down."

"Doesn't mean some of them aren't going to make a run for it. Plenty of these guys got no interest in Imperials looking too close at their cargo. Maybe we'll find someone to buy passage with. Or someone who owes me a favor. Or someone I can blackmail."

The line of ships told me I was heading the right direction. We rounded the fuel tanks fast as we approached the depot. Maybe a little too fast. I could see what the hold up was.

Storm troopers. Six of them. These guys were all the rage lately. They had a pair of battle droids with them too. Since when was the space port considered a war zone?

Turning around and bolting would have been suspicious, so we continued our approach. There was a crowd of pilots having a spirited debate with the troopers. We blended in to the back and listened in.

"My shipment's going to be late! We need to get off the ground!" The crowd yelled in agreement. A trooper raised his hand.

"I understand, citizen. But we have an Imperial order. No ship leaves this station."

"For how long?"

"Indefinitely."

"I got a shipment of Augish Oysters going out to the Hutts. If I don't get them out of here now, they're gonna go bad!"

"That is not my concern."

"The Empire can't do this! Shut down the entire port!"

A few blasts later and that debate was over. You wanna cut you life real short? Tell the Empire they can't do something.

After that the crowd dispersed real quick-like. I spotted Teeman among them. Eight-foot-tall Mantian with six arms. Kind of hard to miss. I called out to him.

"Teeman, hold up!"

He turned around. I couldn't tell if the pained expression on his face was from the ruckus with the troopers or if he was just glad to see me.

"Gungan. I told you. I'll pay you back. Just as soon as the nerf herding Empire lets me get off the ground and make some money." I walked him a little further out of trooper earshot.

"That's not why I'm here, Teeman. I'm looking to get off planet."

"Yeah? So's everyone. But it ain't happening." He looked over at Sid. "Who's your lady friend?"

"Client. Her brother's been kidnapped. We need to get to Regulon 12 and fast."

Mantians can tell when you're lying. They got a knack for it. How I beat him at Arcturian Hold'em, I'll never know.

He grimaced at me skeptically then looked over at Sid. I about could have kissed her. She was crying. The act must have sold Teeman.

"Alright. You didn't hear it from me but go and find yourself Sleazo. He's going to light out of here any moment."

"Yeah? He running Novex crystals again?"

"No. Photon torpedoes. Military grade.'

I let out a low whistle. "Any idea where to find him?"

"I think I saw K5-T0 walking toward gate 88."

"Thanks! I owe you," I shouted over my shoulder as Sid and I ran toward gate 88.

"Then drop my debt!" he shouted back.

"I don't owe you that much!"

We kept on hustling. The further back we got in the hanger, the crummier the ships got.

Smugglers. And dumb ones too.

The last thing you want to do when smuggling is draw attention to yourself. For example when docking in a space port, don't try to hide out in the back. I caught up to K5-T0 right as we hit gate 88.

"K5! Long time, no see!"

"Yes. And the interval since out last meeting has been unsatisfactorily brief."

"I missed you too. Now where's Sleazo?"

"Captain Sleazo has ventured to the junk stalls in order to purchase some power converters."

"Don't try to feed me a load of bantha poo-doo. I can smell him. He's onship or I'm a Fergundian mega-toad. And I ain't sitting on no mega-toadstool."

"An astute observation. Rumors of your mental deficiencies are surely exaggerated."

"Watch it, fuse-face! It'll be a warm day on Hoth when I take that kind of lip off a protocol droid. Now bring Sleazo here or get out of my way!"

"I am not programmed to play fetch for a washed-up turncoat of a smuggler. Your friend, however, I might make an exception for."

"You got an eye for the lady?"

"Let's just say I've got some hardware that I would like to install in her."

"Let me in and maybe she can stay out here and make nice."

"Go ahead, Gungan. I am sure that Sleazo will be even less pleased to interface with you than I."

"Stay here, Sid. Keep an eye out for trouble." I slid her my blaster. "And if K5 here lays a finger on you, air out his internal processors."

I could tell by her expression that Sid was going to be just fine. And I could tell by his expression that K5 would likely be a sparking pile of circuits next I saw him. I walked up the gangplank and headed down the hall to the cockpit.

Arrow-class ships were practically built for smuggling. Short and straight. Just enough room to store the contraband and not much else. Built for running blockades and shrugging off radar. When I found that festering pile of slime, he was updating his star charts.

"Sleez! How's business?" I asked in an amicable tone that would have drawn a polite response from any half-way civilized Sentient.

"Gungan!" He was not happy, near as I could tell from the bubbling, green waste pit that was his face. "Why'd K5 let you in here?"

"I guess I'm just a persuasive guy, which is why you're going to fly me and a friend to the Regulon system."

"No can do, Gungan. Skies are on lock-down."

"That never stopped you in the past. Besides, rumor has it that you might be motivated to skip this rock in the very immediate future."

"Lies! Anything you heard was lies!" he shouted.

"Really? I heard you weren't moving a shipment of military photons. That a lie?"

"Blast you, Gungan! Blast you to smithereens! Who'd you hear that from?"

"Now, now, Sleazo. I'm very good at keeping secrets. For friends anyway. Not so good at keeping secrets for Glar-swilling Muckians who won't help a guy out."

He gave me a serious stink eye, but he knew I had him by the globules.

"I hope you're packed, Gungan. We're leaving in five parsecs."

"Ready when you are, if not sooner."

We lifted off and sped through the sky. There were a few sirens and some shouting, but it all passed quick enough. It wasn't long until we shook out way out of the atmosphere and into the smooth sailing of space. Still, I didn't breathe easy until we put a few planets behind us.

Me and Sid made ourselves as comfortable as we could in the corridor which passed for living quarters. K5 was next to us, in his maintenance servo.

"Sleazo will take us as far as Regulon 1. We can hop a transport to 12 from there."

"Thank you, Jar Jar. I never would have gotten this far without you."

"Damn right, you wouldn't have," I huffed with a smile. She coyly dropped her head, but her eyes and her smile stayed on me. I hoped she wasn't falling in love.

"Want to play another game of Three-Dimensional Hologram Monster Chess," she asked.

"Maybe later. You hired me to get you off the ground and to your Calamarian friend. Are you good after that?"

"Yes. I can arrange for your payment once we get there. Will you not aid us further?"

"What's in it for me?"

"How about stopping the Syritics from killing you along with every other being in existence"

"Right, right," I sighed. "Say, you never did explain how they were going to manage to snuff out the galaxy."

"I can answer that with one words. Midoclorians."

"Alright. Think you could answer it with a few more words?"

"The midoclorians, they do not produce the force, as you may have heard. They regulate it. More exactly, they feed off it. That is why they are found in greater amounts in Jedi bloodstream."

"So you Jedi got parasites?"

"Not just Jedi. The force connects everything. Midoclorians can be found everywhere in trace amounts. Even in you," she said with a smile.

"The force flows through and connects everything. But the midoclorian genetic code contains a switch. Were this switch activated, it would cut off the flow of the force to everything and everyone is the galaxy.

"Then we'd be dead. Or gone, at least. Everything may just vanish in a wink. The truth is, we don't know exactly what would happen."

"But it wouldn't be good."

K5, who had stayed content to mind his own business thus far, decided that now was the perfect moment to activate his ignorant droid verbal communicator.

"I do hope this gibberish is intelligible to these two lifeforms. We are not cleared as an asylum-class ship."

"I suggest you shut the hell up, K5, or I'll void your warranty good and proper." "Goodness! My internal and external monologue wires must be crossed again."

"Then get back in your servo, and shut off your audio input\output while you're at it if you want to live to see your codpiece polished again."

"Well! I never!" sputtered the indignant droid, as he hooked back in and deactivated.

"Now you know," she continued, "the dire a situation in which we find ourselves."

"If what you're saying is true, then why hasn't the Syritic order played their hand? They got the midoclorians everywhere and they presumably know how to use them."

"My associate on Regulon 12 may have the answer. And he'll know what our next step should be."

She slowly curled her arms over her head and let out a tremendous yawn. It was cute the way her eyes could barely stay open.

"It has been a busy day. We should get some rest while we can."

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. I put my arm around her waist and flashed her my smoothest smile.

"What say we bunk together? May be our only chance."

"I think not. If you lay with dogs, you rise with fleas. I hate to think what I'd catch from a Gungan."

Her flirty smile still smouldered as she turned and sashayed down the hallway\living quarters. She grabbed a few blankets off a shelf, tossed me one, then bedded down behind some crates. I lied down on the cold, metal floor, pulled the blanket over me, and set a course to dream world.

I don't know if I was asleep for minutes or hours when something woke me up. It was coming from behind Sid's crate. Muffled sniffling and sobbing. Usually it's best to leave crying women alone, but I never could leave well enough alone. I rolled over to her crate and stuck my head around the corner.

"You alright?"

"I…I'm sorry, Jar Jar," she whimpered. "I haven't…cried about Bo in years."

"Want to talk about it?"

"Our parents died when he was still a baby. I was the only family he ever knew. I had heard of the Jedi. My grandfather had studied with them. Mother claimed his abilities did not pass on to her, but she could not hide it from me. Her reaction time. Her awareness. She never said why she left, but the way she looked at father, I could tell.

"When mother and father died in the shuttle crash, I took care of Bo. And found work with one of father's friends. Master Windu payed him a call one day.

"He immediately recognized the potential in me. In both of us. He took us to Coruscant. And for a while, our life was idyllic. We mourned our loss, but found peace through meditation. My love of knowledge kept me in the library, while Bo was drawn towards the path of the Jedi knight.  
"And that is where he was, training with the other younglings, when the traitor, Skywalker, found him."

My blood went cold. I knew the rest of the story before she told me. I offered her what sympathy I could, but kept my mouth shut about anything else.

I had heard stories about what happened when Ani cracked. Hard to believe he could become such a monster. On the other hand, kid always did seem a little off.

I was passing Sidnee my handkerchief when we were violently thrown to the side as the ship began shaking. The room went dark, and the red emergency lights began flashing.

"What's happening?" whimpered Sid.

I threw off the blanket and hustled down the hallway. In the cockpit, Sleazo was pressing every button and grabbing every switch within reach.

"What happened?" I asked, shouting over the alarms. "You pilot us into an asteroid field?"

"Perhaps I should ask you," he yelled back, his entire gelatinous body quaking. "Why is there an Imperial battle cruiser chasing us?"

I knew damn well why they were chasing us, but I also knew better than to tell him.

"Isn't it obvious? They were cracking down on smugglers back at the port, and you made a run for it."

"That was no crackdown. I heard they were looking for a Jedi. A woman. Your friend, she is a woman."

"Since when did having a set of curves make you a Jedi?"

"Suppose I hail them over the communicator and let you convince them?"

"Suppose you get us up to light-speed? I doubt they'd go any easier on a smuggler."

"Go get the girl."

"You're making a mistake, Slea-"

"The girl! Get her!"

Of course. It was so obvious. I stood up and went to get the girl, so she could Jedi mind trick that festulent muck pile into helping us. I hoofed it on back to the cargo bay. I heard the door close behind me, and the locks activate. And the hyper-drive engine warming up.

I turned around and pounded my fist on the door.

"Sleazo! What do you think you're doing?!"

Sid walked up, wringing her hands in apprehension.

"I have a bad feeling about this."

"No kidding, Sid. Sleazo!"

"Gungan," came his voice over the intercom. "I hate to do this, but you didn't give me much of a choice."

"Jar Jar! He's going to hand us over to the Empire," gasped Sidnee.

The safety bolts began releasing in the back of the cabin.

"Nope. He's going to dump us and his cargo out into space."

"He's…he's going to kill us!"

"Not on my watch."

Now I know what you're thinking. Gungan, you're no locksmith. How you planning on opening that door? Well, I'm no Jedi either, but I know how to flip the "on" switch on a lightsaber. One shower of sparks and a quick kick later, and the door was open.

"I recommend you cancel that door-opening sequence real fast, unless you want to join us outside."

Sleazo sputtered and foamed as he slammed a big, red button. The doors stayed shut, but the lazer blasts kept coming.

"Gungan, you know how it is, smuggling. You've got to look out for yourself."

"Yeah. I do got to look out for myself."

And I planted the lightsaber right in his back.

"Jar Jar! You stabbed him in the back!"

"Just returning the favor."

"You didn't need to kill him!"

"You can thank me when we get out of this alive. Now to get to light-speed."

I checked the engine status. We had ten minutes until we could make the jump. Our shields had maybe half that until they gave out. Another barrage of blasts rocked the ship, throwing Sid into my arms.

"What do we do?"

"We fight back."

"Against an Imperial battle cruiser? Can you work the guns?"

"No guns. Not on a skiff like this."

"What do we do?"

"Improvise." The cabin lurched and the lights flickered as another blast kicked the ship. "And fast."

"Goodness! What is all this commotion regarding," asked K5 through the hole in the door. "And can I assume that you are to blame?"

"We're trying to think up a way to get that cruiser off our tails for a few minutes. Got any bright ideas?"

"No, not at the moment. Perhaps I could ask the captain."

"Don't waste your time. Wait a second!" I shouted, looking past K5 at the smuggled cargo. "The photon torpedoes."

"Yes, or course," said K5. "Except we have no way to fire them."

"Don't be too sure about that," I said as I grabbed the box and dragged it towards the garbage chute. "Anyone who wants to live, feel free to help me.

Once in place, I reached into my luggage and pulled out a thermal detonator. I cracked open the box and tossed it inside.

"OK, Sid, here's the plan. We put the box in the garbage, dump the garbage, and you use the force to guide that box on over to the cruiser's windshield and pull the pin."

"Impossible! That windshield is no bigger than a womp rat! But I suppose maybe, with the force…"

"I don't believe in the force, kiddo," I said, grabbing her by the shoulders. "I believe in you."

That little speech must have been more inspirational than I thought, because she got up on her toes and planted a kiss on my cheek.

"Ok, Jar Jar. Let' do this."

I checked to make sure the crate was closed good and tight, and K5 dropped it into the garbage. Sid sat down and assumed some kind of Jedi meditation pose. I ran back up to the cockpit.

"Sid! You ready?" My finger hovered over the button to dump the garbage.

"Yes."

"Alright," I said, pushing the button. "Just guide it on up there, and pull the pin."

"What should I do," asked K5.

"Pray this works," I said to myself.

Another round of blasts shook the ship. I checked our shield status on the console. Not looking good. I sat down and watched the rear view screens. K5 joined me.

"See anything?"

"Not yet," I growled.

"Oh. Well, if you do, let me know."

The battle cruiser was still bearing down on us. Then there was the tiniest pop of color near the front of the ship.

"That ought to do it," said Sid, resting her hand on my shoulder.

"What do you mean? That was just…"

'Wait for it."

The cruiser's cockpit exploded, sending out one of those cool shock wave rings for good measure. The rest of the ship soon followed suit, erupting into the kind of fiery explosion you wouldn't normally expect to see in the oxygen-deprived vacuum of space.

Sid cheered as I laughed and pulled her into my lap.

"K5, dump Sleazo in the garbage, would ya?"

"Certainly! At once! I'll get right on that…before you stick a lightsaber in me," he muttered, dragging his former boss out the door.

Sid looked into my eyes and I about fell into hers.

"We…we shouldn't lose ourselves in the passion of the moment," she whispered.

"Why not? It might be all we have."

But she got up and left the cockpit. And I let her go.

The console beeped as a small light lit up, indicating the hyper drive was ready. I double-checked our course, threw the switch, and watched the stars streak past.

Regulon, here we come.

The rest of our flight was refreshingly uneventful.

I scanned the planets in the Regulon system as we passed through.

"I'll save you the trouble," said K5. "They're all inhospitable dirtballs, devoid of any intelligent life. You should fit right in."

"K5, you're a protocol droid, right?"

"How remarkably perceptive of you."

"How many languages can you speak?"

"Including computer codes, droid signals, and sentient languages, vernaculars, and dialects; over 3000."

"Good. Think you could shut up in all of them for a few hours?"

"I am programmed to not appreciate being spoken to in such a manner. Given that you are a Gungan and what I can infer from your manners, you have undoubtedly led an unpleasant, dirty life and are to be pitied."

"I'm sorry if I'm bothering you. Maybe if you powered down for the rest of our trip, I wouldn't offend your senses too bad."

"Badly. It's an adverb. It modifies how you offend my senses. A poorly constructed sentiment, but not an essentially incorrect one." Thankfully, he shuffled into the corner and powered down. I'd hate to have to fly into a rage and destroy a potentially useful resource.

I went back to the hallway to wake up Sid, but she was up and meditating.

"I hate to disturb you, but we're almost to Regulon. We should contact your friend, figure out where to land."

"You're not disturbing me. I was done meditating. Not sure I was doing it right anyway," she said, blushing. "I was never particularly strong at utilizing the force."

"Isn't that, like, a prerequisite for you Jedis?"

"Less so if you're working in the library. That trick with the torpedoes earlier was about the most prowess I've ever displayed. If Master Yoda were still alive, he'd be so proud."

"Yeah. I bet."

Yoda. Last I saw him, he'd gone crazy. Can't blame him. Not much else to do in that swamp. Except think about all the people you let down. Letting that kid in, not recognizing what he was or what he became, letting him and Palpatine wreck your life's work and kill most everyone who depended on you to protect them. I'd run off to a swamp too. Maybe he could have not given up on things the way he did. Been a part of this rebellion. Train some new Jedis. Do some good.

Or maybe he just figured that out there by himself, he couldn't do any more harm.

"So your friend on Regulon can point out where the Syritic order is hidden?"

"Perhaps. He has studied it extensively and this data tape should be the last piece of the puzzle."

"Not that I'm not looking forward to a little action, but any chance we could feed the info to some rebels, or even the empire and just let them take care of it?"

"It shouldn't be any problem. They're just an order of monks."

"Right. Weren't the Jedi an order of monks?"

"Well, yes."

"And if these guys are sharing technology no else has, who knows what they've kept for themselves."

"You make some valid points. Before we leave to dispatch them, we should transmit a message to the rebellion explaining the threat, in case…"

"In case we get brutally slaughtered."

"Yes. In case of that."

Finding her associate on Regulon 12 was as easy as her contacting him via the force, obtaining his transmitter frequency, getting a description of the landmarks in his general area, taking a geographic survey of the planet, and homing in on his signal. One quick sweep of the broadcast zone later and they were reunited.

"Sidnee," he said. "I must admit that I had misgivings regarding seeing you ever again. Alive anyway."

"Professor," she shouted happily as she ran and threw her arms around him.

"I see you've acquired quite the following. Perhaps introductions are in order. Hello, Sidnee's friends. I am the Professor, but please just call me Professor"

"Alright, prof. Got a name, do you?"

"Yes, but it is not relevant to the matters at hand. For the purposes of this interlude, you need only know that I am the professor. Feel free to infer that I am an learned and wise counselor."

"Professor, you see, I was stuck on Nwar and I couldn't get off. Then I heard about legendary smuggler, outlaw, anti-hero and bad ass named Jar Jar."

I stuck out my mitt. "Jar Jar Binks. Pleased to meet you."

"Charmed, I'm sure," chirped the Calamarian, happily. "And your droid companion?"

"Oh, that's just K5-T0. Speaking of which, we should go ahead and get rid of him before he betrays us."

"Yeah, that's right. I was meaning to ask you about that," said Sidnee.

"What do you mean," said K5, "I'm not planning on…oh, who am I kidding?"

"Leave it to me, Sid. I'll blast him right between his lampy droid eyes."

"Deactivate me if you must, but I'll thank you not to refer to my eyes in a derogatorily stereotypical manner, racist. And I don't trust the Gungan to do it. I suspect that beneath his suave demeanor lurks the marksmanship of a stupid, clumsy Gungan."

"Oh my, no" interrupted the professor. "I do abhor violence. Perhaps we could just leave him on his way?"

"A highly intelligent suggestion. I'm surprised it came from one of you organics. Give me the keys to the ship. It's the least you could do after murdering my master, stealing it from him, and kidnapping me."

"Yes," said Sidnee, "truth be told, I would prefer not terminate more sentient life forms than strictly necessary."

"Fine, have it your way," I shrugged. "But the second he's off the ground, he'll be radioing our coordinates to the Empire."

"Unfortunately, this is entirely likely," admitted the droid.

"Well, that's a quick fix. We can just disable his vocal actuators," suggested the professor.

He was a whiz with a pair of pliers. A poke and a snip later, and K5 was blessedly silent.

"I got to say, K5, I almost like you this way."

He was no longer able to speak but his glare said everything. That and a gesture so rude it would have gotten him exiled from the planet of the Pervubators.

"Goodness!" gasped the professor.

"Back at you, K5. Now get! And don't let the door pinch your ass on the way out."

"Although I suppose he could always reactivate his vocal unit once on the ship," the professor hypothesized.

"Then just remove his diagnostic core, and he won't be reactivating anything."

"However," said the professor once that was done, "he may still be able to locate his own schematics and repair himself by reading them."

"Let's blind him."

A simple matter of snipping a few wires, but we removed his optic scanners just to be sure.

"OK, now what?"

"Well, I suppose it's possible he could use his hands to…"

"Say no more."

So we took those too.

"There. That should stop him from betraying us," said the professor.

"Yeah. Maybe," I said, rubbing my chin. "I got to admit, I still don't feel comfortable just letting him go. He's tricky enough to think up some way or other to give us up."

"Not if we disable his higher brain functions."

One quicky lobotomy later, I turned to the professor.

"How smart do you really need to be to rat someone out?"

"Are you suggesting we eliminate brain function entirely?"

"I am now."

I figured by now we were pretty much done with killing K5 as slowly and gruesomely as we could.

"You know, Jar Jar, if we just chopped off his legs, he'd make a nice table lamp."

"Save the redecorating for after we've saved the universe, prof."

"That's right! The holotape! In all the excitement I almost forgot! Sidnee! Sidnee!"

During the proceedings she had gotten queasy and excused herself. We caught up to her as she sat down on a sitter in the sitting room.

"Sidnee! Were you able to locate the holotape from the holofiles and make a holocopy of it," asked the professor.

"Yes, professor. I already brought it up on your computer."

"Excellent! Let's just give her a look-see. Oh my, this is fascinating! Goodness, the ramifications of the implications are a revelation beyond comprehension!"

"I'm sure it's all very neato, prof, but are there any hints about the Syritic order's hideout?"

"Ah, excellent. I see Sidnee has already briefed regarding the Serene Ones. Yes, the Syritic order is a religious, philosophical and technological movement entirely unto itself. They have no discernible forebearers and no direct interactions with anyone or anything. Indeed, they remain entirely cloistered. My reasons for this conclusion include but are not limited to…"

"How about we make a deal? You tell us where they are, and when we get back we'll listen to your lecture."

"An excellent suggestion. That will give me time to prepare my notes. Their actions seem to be localized entirely on the planet Syritico."

"In the Syriticon system?"

"None other!"

"Hurry, Sid! To the ship! We got no time to waste."

"Actually," said the professor, "according to this text, the great xenocide event can not take place until the proper rituals regarding the alignment of the galaxy have been observed."

"Does it say when that will be?"

"Nope."

"Are yo sure?"

"Nope."

"Let's move, Sid! We might or might not have any time to waste!"

We got on the ship and took off as fast as we could. We left the professor behind so that he could calculate our optimal galactic route, and run simulations of the galactic radiation storms we should avoid, and study the holotape for any information that could pertain to the mission at hand. To tell the truth, the guy was a chatterbox, and I didn't relish the idea of being stuck in an enclosed space with him.

We said our farewells via transmitter.

"So long, Sidnee! Bye bye, Jar Jar! Remember, we do not know what weapons or technology the Syritics may have at their disposal, so you must expect the unexpected."

"So you think they'll charge at us, naked and throwing live ferocious sharkian fish?"

"Is that what you think they'll do?"

"No, not really."

"Then almost certainly. And don't forget, the Syritics are mentally bonded to their technology. This means their minds control their technology, or the other way around. Either way, when you encounter one, the other, or both remember that either one could be one or the other or a third option I have not foreseen, or even…"

A blaster bolt to the transmitter cut that chat mercifully short.

"Boring conversation anyway," I muttered.

"Jar Jar! That was the ship's transmitter! What if we need to transmit something?"

"Look, the way I see it, we need to be figuring out how we're gonna fight these Syritics. What's our strategy?"

"Well, I figured that I might start off either with a jump or a dive, I'd roll around real quick, do a flip, activate my lightsaber, do a few flourishes, spin around a few times, another flip, and the rest should take care of itself. What are you going to do?"

"I'm a reasonable sort of guy. Thought I might talk to them."

"Just talk?"

"Yeah. But I'd let my blaster do the talking."

A small smile found its way through her grim demeanor.

"You'll never change, Jar Jar."

"You say that like it's a bad thing."

"You can't just charm your way through life."

"It's got me this far."

Where we arrived on Syritico it was dawn.

"Alright, we're on their planet. Now where are they, Sid?"

"From space the whole planet appears to be a desolate, barren wasteland. Especially the area to the North-East. So we'll begin there."

"Of course. With their advanced technology, they can generate camouflage fields, and they'd most likely make the fields strongest surrounding their settlements, so for this reason the most apparently deserted area is where they are likely to be, right?"

I turned towards her and she was already fifty feet up the path. I don't think she heard a word I said, but I had a feeling she agreed.

I've hacked my way through charging moknar beasts during mating season and I've outrun a fleet of Sadron Nebula Crushers and I've performed a cavity search on a Hutt, but nothing has given me the chills like that hike.

Onward across the cracked, sun-blasted terrain; the low, dusty moan on the wind; unable to see more than twenty feet in front of me. I kept one hand on my blaster, and the other on my Signal Scanner, but there was nothing there.

"Nothing we can sense, anyway," said Sid, as if reading my mind.

"Let me check the Sonor-Wave-Resonance-Topo\geographical–Indicator-E mittor."

One flip of the switch and the story all changed. Just then the winds shifted and cleared our view and there, hewn from the sandy brown earth, stood an enormous temple. So big it was just enormous. Really, really enormous. There's no other word for it. I guess you could call it "humongous," but even that doesn't do it justice.

"Jar Jar, what do we do?"

"What we've been doing so far seems to be working. Just keep going. If they haven't killed us on sight, maybe there's hope for a peaceful negotiation."

I had a feeling this wasn't very likely, but call me an optimist.

We passed through the elaborately carved city gates, which had been left wide open.

"You know," I said, "I kind of got the impression they didn't want anyone to find them. So why are the doors just wide open?"

"And where is everybody?"

"Exactly. What gives?"

We passed a few square, dust-colored building approaching the main courtyard, when we found what gave.

"Is that what I think it is, Jar Jar?"

"Do you think it's an Imperial Ambassador ship?"

"Yeah."

"I think I just figured out why no one is out here. All the action is somewhere else."

"Where are they?"

"Same place where we're headed, I figure. That big temple. Seems like the kind of place where things happen."

We marched up to the temple, opened to door and strolled inside. Sid gasped and stopped in her tracks with her hand over her heart.

"What? What's the matter," I hissed, my eyes darting around the room.

"I sense a disturbance…in the force."

"Good or bad?"

"Very bad for someone. I don't know if it was Imperial or Syritic."

"Either way it's good for us."

We rounded the corner and found our first Syritic. Most of him anyway. A few appendages, half a torso, no head.

"This is pretty gruesome. You might want to stay back, Sid."

"There's no blood."

She was right.

"What does it mean?"

She drew her lightsaber and took the lead.

"Stay behind me."

She stalked down the hallway with a supernatural silence. I didn't know if it was from her training as a Jedi or a librarian. We passed by a dozen more bits and pieces of some poor soul. I took a closer look as we snuck by. Cauterized.

Rest in peace.

Whatever was disturbing Sid's force, I began to feel it too.

We reached the end of the hallway. The door opened into a big sanctuary. There were dead Syritic monks piled everywhere. And in the middle of all the carnage stood a lone figure. He watched us as we entered the room.

He had known we were coming.

Sid fell to her knees, gasping for breath and with tears rolling down her cheeks. Considering the gruesome tableau before us, I couldn't really blame her. But, somehow, I didn't think it was the scenery.

It was that man.

Long, black cloak.

Black helmet with eyes darker than death.

The rhythmic gasping and hissing of his suit.

"Vader," I heard Sid whisper.

"Sidnee Maxoor," his voice boomed. After the silence and tension of the last few minutes I about jumped out of my skin.

"You have eluded and defied us for too long, but in the end even this has served the Empire. Your theft from the Imperial library put me onto the trail of these fanatics. Now that they are no longer a threat, I am able to deal with you. And your Gungan friend."

Sid looked like she was moments away from passing out, so I took it upon myself to continue the conversation.

"Greetings, Darth Vader. Can I just call you Darth?"

Before he could respond, I drew first and fired. With the auto-aim mod still active, I managed to squeeze off half a dozen rounds in rapid burst, all aimed at his head and torso. I was fast, but he was faster. I could hardly see him move as he deflected the shots. Then my blaster wrestled itself out of my hand and floated over to his and he crushed it.

"You will address me as Lord Vader, although you will not have a chance to do so. I'm going to kill you now."

Not exactly the subtle type.

"Not the first time someone's threatened to kill me, and it won't be the last, Ani"

He cocked his head to the side and looked at me with what I can only assume was a quizzical expression.

"Ani?"

"You know, I heard rumors after you and Obi-Wan had your little falling out. Heard the Empire patched you up. Didn't know they meant literally."

"Your tone is too familiar. Do I know you, Gungan?"

"Oh, Ani. You cut me to the quick. Forgotten your old pal Jar Jar, have you? Or have you just blocked those memories out? Can't say I blame you."

"Jar Jar. That name brings forth vague memories of embarrassingly clownish antics not worthy of death by my hand. Yet I will grant you this honor."

"I wouldn't do that if I were you, Darth. What's going to happen next time some threat to the galaxy slips past your little Empire? Right on past your senile Emperor during his nap time? Past a bunch of troopers you somehow trained to be even dumber than those battle droids? And past you, Lord Vader? The man with a trashcan for a head. Honestly, I'm surprised your pathetic, little empire hasn't collapsed on its worthless self."

Insulting a guy might seems like a pretty lousy strategy for convincing him not to kill you, but Vader seemed like the kind of guy not used to being insulted. I figured it might throw him off balance.

"Do not dare to presume to think to underestimate the strength of the empire. The power I hold is supreme."

"Power? What power? A couple star destroyers, a few empty headed troopers who can barely work their own optic scanners. You know, given the infinite size of the universe, statistically speaking, your empire doesn't even exist."

"Yet we will soon wield a power unparallelled in the known universe."

He pulled a holographic imager from his belt and turned it on. It projected a green ball in the air.

"Behold the Unpleasant Spheroid. We are still focus-testing more ominous names. It will be the most powerful space station ever created. Compared to it, all other space stations are but mere space petting zoos."

I took one look at the monstrosity and burst out laughing.

"I got to say, Ani, we need to get together more often! I haven't laughed like this in years!"

"Did I forget to mention the planet-destructo ray? Not so funny now, is it?"

"That's a gasser," I chuckled. "Tell me, a space station that big, how many Light-years Per Fusion Reaction does it get? Speaking of which, how many on-board reactors are you going to need to power that thing?"

"Over one hundred, each channeled through a central reactor core."

"Well there's you problem right there. You crank that thing up, and it'll explode before you can pull out of the garage."

"What do you mean, Gungan?"

I moseyed on up to the hologram and inspected it real close.

"Now, Darth, I'm no expert on these things, but it seems to me with a station this big, putting out that kind of energy, you're gonna want some kind of exhaust port."

His gaze shifted from me to his plans.

"You are right. What a colossal oversight. It would seem I have a long night of torturing engineers ahead of me."

"Well then, don't let me keep you. We'll just let ourselves out."

"I'm afraid I can't let you do that."

"Afraid? What's a mug like you got to be afraid of? Don't you know that fear leads to hate, then to suffering, next you got anger, then fear again."

"Yes, I've gotten this lecture all before 'master' Gungan."

"No, wait. Fear, anger, suffering, then resentment, I think. The point is that's how you get to the dark side. Of the force."

"That all sounds correct, more or less."

I'm just as surprised as you that he hadn't filleted me yet. Must be starved for any sort of intelligent conversation these days. Surrounded by nothing but pants-wetting storm troopers. But as dazzling as my rhetorical style surely is, I better not overstay my welcome.

"So where exactly does the dark side lead?"

"To power!"

"I might have guessed. Then where?"

"To more power!"

"And so on, right? You know, a wise thing once told me, "for it's own sake, meaningless power is."

"Power allows my will to shape the Empire, and the Empire to shape the universe."

"Yeah, but…but what really…"

"Enough! I grow weary of this conversation. And of you, Gungan. I think it would be good to destroy you now."

"Now, now, Darth, don't do anything you might regret."

"I no longer feel regret."

"Not even for Padme?"

It was a dirty trick, bringing her up, but I was in a corner. It gave him pause, but I had a feeling it wouldn't last.

"How about Obi-Wan? Yoda? Or all the people you've killed? Do you just dream about them at night, or can you see their faces during the day too?"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Their sacrifice was necessary. Do you imagine invoking them will find you mercy?'

"How about your kids? You ever miss them?"

"Kids? Padm…she died before they..."

"Let me guess, Palpatine told you that, right? Imagine that! A Sith lord, lying."

He just stared at me. I couldn't tell if it was the force or just the weight of his gaze, but I felt like I was being crushed.

"Are…are they well?"

"I can't remember when I saw the girl last, but the boy looked just like you. Minus the tupperware."

"Twins," he said, reaching out to steady himself against the wall. He thought it over, then turned to me.

"Where are they?"

"You don't want to know."

"Tell me!"

"Why?! So you can go and snuff out your own kids like you did those younglings?!"

He gestured at me and the next thing I knew, I was getting acquainted with a wall across the room.

"I won't ask again nicely. Tell me where they are."

I picked myself up, made sure everything was where it belonged, and stared right back at him.

"You know what I think, Anakin? I think…"

"You will address me as…"

"I ain't talking to you! Anakin, you know and I know that if I told you where to find them, you'd just go and you'd kill them. And deep down, you don't really want that."

"Tell me or I kill the girl."

He stuck out his hand and Sid floated right to him. I couldn't just let him kill her. She hadn't even paid me yet.

"Alright, Darth. If you really want to know, I'll tell you." He waited, expectantly.

"Yes?"

"Put her down first."

He dropped her in a heap. Very agreeable.

"Alderaan."

"Where on Alderaan?"

"Not sure."

"Really? No matter, I will find them."

I laughed. "Even with a whole regiment of stormies, you could search Alderaan for a thousand years and not find one little baby. Good luck!"

"I would not worry about it were I you."

"Right, well don't let us keep you."

I picked up Sidnee and began casually edging towards the door. "Have fun destroying the only proof you were ever human. Before you kill them, tell them I'm sorry."

As we discreetly took our leave, Darth walked over to a nearby window and stared out it. I know he wasn't admiring the scenery. Not on this dirtball.

I think he was looking at his own reflection in the window. Sizing up just how much of a man was left in there, and what sort of man it was. Or maybe he was thinking about crushing some poor Gungan's windpipe with his mind. He was a hard read.

As I walked out the door, I stopped and took one last look at him. And I saw something in him I hadn't seen before.

Something familiar.

Just a stupid kid. Pulled from nowhere and thrown in over his head. Doing the best he knew how, but just making a mess of everything. Hurting anyone stupid enough to get close to him. Not understanding what he was doing, or even why. And threw it all away for a whole lot of nothing. Poor, dumb kid.

Reminds me of someone else I know.

But that was a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away.

I dropped Sid back off on Regulon 12 with the Professor. He was happy to see us. Mostly so that he could deliver his lecture. Sid offered me my payment, and I refused it. Awful noble of me, if I do say so myself. I told them to look me up if they were ever on Nwar again.

And that was the last I ever saw of them.

For the best, I say. Sid was a great kid, but a dame like that's got no business getting mixed up with a guy like me. So I said my goodbyes, kept it brief, and took off.

And for the record, K5 did end up making a handsome desk lamp.

In my experience, life is like a rainy night. Cold, wet, lonesome, and dark. You can't see where you're going, and you can only barely make out where you been. Except when lightening strikes. Then you can see it all, and it's all so clear. After it's gone, those moments are so vivid you can see them even with your eyes closed.

Naboo.

The clone wars.

Palpatine.

And Sid.

I never did hear from her or the professor again. Whether they kept up their crazy adventures or not, I don't know.

And me, I was right back where I started. In a cramped office with my feet on a desk and my mailbox full of bills.

As for what happened with Vader and his kin, I never had the heart to find out. Maybe he found them. Hunted them down and crushed the life out of their little bodies. Or, maybe…

Maybe he snuck into their room while they were sleeping, took off his helmet, and placed a soft kiss on each of their foreheads.

I know what I think, but I'm just an old softie.

THE END


End file.
